From Decadence To Forgetfulness of Myself II

       Damn, so many things have happened since last year. 
I don't quite understand how God knows how to put me through hard times at the exact same time of the year, but here I am pouring my heart into words for you guys and for me. 

      First of all, I'm writing this as part II not because I lost myself again. You guys know how I don't ever really get my shit together even though I do everything to make it seem so. That's why it's so easy for me to write, and release an transcription of how I feel here. The first part took place mostly because I felt I was strong enough to put into words what I've learnt over the past few years about life and I didn't expect people to relate as much as you did guys. 

THANK YOU. 

  This part II has the same ground as the first. Learning how to get through life. The funniest thing is that people naturally think that I have everything under control, that I seem to know what I want or where I am going. If only they knew it was just a facade that I learnt how to build through the years... 

      First of all, my biggest sin might be to love too much. In anything that I do, work-related or relationship-related, I give my all to have the best results I can. On top of that, I don't run from my shit nor my problems. I learnt how to face them the hard way but it allows me to remain honest towards the people I love. 
I don't know how to stop myself from loving too much, being too intense. I've always been like that as far back as I can remember. It is this exact intensity that has enabled me to go through any hardship I have encountered and not be caught up into a dark spiral of which I couldn't get out of. 

However, I have come to realise that it scares people away. 

The difference from last year is that I would blame myself for it. When things got sour, I would say that I deserved it because I was not good enough, I was not perfect enough for them. I would crucify my emotions to the point I would deny myself. As I said last year, it was about self-love. However, today, I understand that it was also about not knowing myself. Trusting my imperfections as being my biggest strength. I learnt over the past months that it is the intensity, the passion I put in everything that I do, even loving, that is going to make me better, greater. Nevertheless, on this way to evolvement, I didn't realise nor didn't want to believe that I was going lose someone on the way. Someone I love, cherish, brings smiles on my face more times than I can count. My mind is so stuck in time that it won't allow the use of past tense here. Now I'm questioning myself. 

   I'm like a bull. If I see something I want or that's good for me, I'm gonna go for it, no matter what. I wanted that love to be great, and I went for it but didn't think I was going to push around the person that matters the most because of my passion. If I had to picture it, it would be a lion running, running towards his beloved, thinking that this is the best way to prove his love to her. He doesn't know how his beloved is scared of that, scared of everything she can see through his eyes.

However, his beloved doesn't know either. 

The lion has his reason. He's so afraid of loosing the little happiness he has, afraid it won't last, afraid of love being this shaky and ephemeral feeling that he'd rather close his eyes and run than face the inevitable truth that nothing lasts. The two of them don't know when, where, how their common path became two different roads. They got their own demons that eat them from the inside and there's nothing to be done except praying for them to heal and cross each other's paths again.

      However, for my part, I'm asking: What's the point of being a strong, shiny, intense lion if I can't understand the fact that everything has its own rhythm ? What's the point of evolving, becoming stronger if I still want Love or anything else to be on my terms ? Do we have to choose between personal growth and the same Love that help us evolve ? Where does it start and where does it end ? All those questions... all this thinking... My mom would say 'one at a time Oli'. It's so mixed up. But as I'm writing those words, my mind is becoming clearer: You can't expect everything to be under control and follow your pace. 

Damn, I wish I believed that. I wish it was this simple. I wish I didn't be that control-freak who too scared to face the truth and in being so, rush things to prevent the crash. I tend to prevent something from happening by not wanting to see it happening. I'd rather close my eyes, run too fast not to get caught up by my only fear and biggest demon: Time. Being the only thing I can't control, I don't want to face the reality that Time can bring to me the unexpected pain. So, I just run. maybe from it
I wish somebody understood that I'm just a little kid who's so afraid of what the futur holds that she'd rather live day by day as if it was her last. I wish somebody was here to hold my hand and tell me that 'it's gonna be okay', 'take your time', 'you don't have to run no more', 'we can do this together', 'have faith'. I'm so exhausted. Don't be mistaken: it's not about finding perfect love or friendship. It's about sharing the weight of time together. 

But it ain't that easy right ? To tell you the complete truth, my ego was shutting down this last shred of honesty that I considered as my weakness until now.  I've never said it out loud to anyone I've loved because I feel completely naked admitting it that I don't want them to go, that I'm just scared as them, and more scared now that they are not here. So I gave up on them by not giving them the time they needed. 
Until now, I think I've never regretted how my ego protected me from being completely honest. It's a different story for so many reasons and for that, I'm questioning myself.

   I know I'm not lost like the past years. The feeling is different because I've matured into something beautiful, thanks to my entourage. I just feel... disconnected, unplugged, out of energy from running. Is it worse ? Truthfully, I don't know. 
But let me say this: don't evolve at the cost of loosing something or someone. Their love is what makes you stronger, more confident about life. I'm starting to believe that I won't loose any of my passion or my intensity if I stop running. 
The people that left me and the ones that remain are the reason I'm this intense. I won't be able to be do it like that if it wasn't for the inspiration they give me every single day. I think if I don't stop this crazy, non sense will of trying to get ahead of myself, at least for me, then I owe it to them. The ones that allow me to shine and blossom into something greater. I don't want to let my passion consume me or the people that I love. It doesn't have to become an excuse to force things. I don't want it that way. I won't let it happen that way. 

I want to believe every words I just said like I applied those I wrote in the first part of 'from decadence to forgetfulness of myself'. But only time will tell. 

 Love, 

NGBH

Note to myself: I'm sorry, little kid.