From Decadence To Forgetfulness of Myself II

       Damn, so many things have happened since last year. 
I don't quite understand how God knows how to put me through hard times at the exact same time of the year, but here I am pouring my heart into words for you guys and for me. 

      First of all, I'm writing this as part II not because I lost myself again. You guys know how I don't ever really get my shit together even though I do everything to make it seem so. That's why it's so easy for me to write, and release an transcription of how I feel here. The first part took place mostly because I felt I was strong enough to put into words what I've learnt over the past few years about life and I didn't expect people to relate as much as you did guys. 

THANK YOU. 

  This part II has the same ground as the first. Learning how to get through life. The funniest thing is that people naturally think that I have everything under control, that I seem to know what I want or where I am going. If only they knew it was just a facade that I learnt how to build through the years... 

      First of all, my biggest sin might be to love too much. In anything that I do, work-related or relationship-related, I give my all to have the best results I can. On top of that, I don't run from my shit nor my problems. I learnt how to face them the hard way but it allows me to remain honest towards the people I love. 
I don't know how to stop myself from loving too much, being too intense. I've always been like that as far back as I can remember. It is this exact intensity that has enabled me to go through any hardship I have encountered and not be caught up into a dark spiral of which I couldn't get out of. 

However, I have come to realise that it scares people away. 

The difference from last year is that I would blame myself for it. When things got sour, I would say that I deserved it because I was not good enough, I was not perfect enough for them. I would crucify my emotions to the point I would deny myself. As I said last year, it was about self-love. However, today, I understand that it was also about not knowing myself. Trusting my imperfections as being my biggest strength. I learnt over the past months that it is the intensity, the passion I put in everything that I do, even loving, that is going to make me better, greater. Nevertheless, on this way to evolvement, I didn't realise nor didn't want to believe that I was going lose someone on the way. Someone I love, cherish, brings smiles on my face more times than I can count. My mind is so stuck in time that it won't allow the use of past tense here. Now I'm questioning myself. 

   I'm like a bull. If I see something I want or that's good for me, I'm gonna go for it, no matter what. I wanted that love to be great, and I went for it but didn't think I was going to push around the person that matters the most because of my passion. If I had to picture it, it would be a lion running, running towards his beloved, thinking that this is the best way to prove his love to her. He doesn't know how his beloved is scared of that, scared of everything she can see through his eyes.

However, his beloved doesn't know either. 

The lion has his reason. He's so afraid of loosing the little happiness he has, afraid it won't last, afraid of love being this shaky and ephemeral feeling that he'd rather close his eyes and run than face the inevitable truth that nothing lasts. The two of them don't know when, where, how their common path became two different roads. They got their own demons that eat them from the inside and there's nothing to be done except praying for them to heal and cross each other's paths again.

      However, for my part, I'm asking: What's the point of being a strong, shiny, intense lion if I can't understand the fact that everything has its own rhythm ? What's the point of evolving, becoming stronger if I still want Love or anything else to be on my terms ? Do we have to choose between personal growth and the same Love that help us evolve ? Where does it start and where does it end ? All those questions... all this thinking... My mom would say 'one at a time Oli'. It's so mixed up. But as I'm writing those words, my mind is becoming clearer: You can't expect everything to be under control and follow your pace. 

Damn, I wish I believed that. I wish it was this simple. I wish I didn't be that control-freak who too scared to face the truth and in being so, rush things to prevent the crash. I tend to prevent something from happening by not wanting to see it happening. I'd rather close my eyes, run too fast not to get caught up by my only fear and biggest demon: Time. Being the only thing I can't control, I don't want to face the reality that Time can bring to me the unexpected pain. So, I just run. maybe from it
I wish somebody understood that I'm just a little kid who's so afraid of what the futur holds that she'd rather live day by day as if it was her last. I wish somebody was here to hold my hand and tell me that 'it's gonna be okay', 'take your time', 'you don't have to run no more', 'we can do this together', 'have faith'. I'm so exhausted. Don't be mistaken: it's not about finding perfect love or friendship. It's about sharing the weight of time together. 

But it ain't that easy right ? To tell you the complete truth, my ego was shutting down this last shred of honesty that I considered as my weakness until now.  I've never said it out loud to anyone I've loved because I feel completely naked admitting it that I don't want them to go, that I'm just scared as them, and more scared now that they are not here. So I gave up on them by not giving them the time they needed. 
Until now, I think I've never regretted how my ego protected me from being completely honest. It's a different story for so many reasons and for that, I'm questioning myself.

   I know I'm not lost like the past years. The feeling is different because I've matured into something beautiful, thanks to my entourage. I just feel... disconnected, unplugged, out of energy from running. Is it worse ? Truthfully, I don't know. 
But let me say this: don't evolve at the cost of loosing something or someone. Their love is what makes you stronger, more confident about life. I'm starting to believe that I won't loose any of my passion or my intensity if I stop running. 
The people that left me and the ones that remain are the reason I'm this intense. I won't be able to be do it like that if it wasn't for the inspiration they give me every single day. I think if I don't stop this crazy, non sense will of trying to get ahead of myself, at least for me, then I owe it to them. The ones that allow me to shine and blossom into something greater. I don't want to let my passion consume me or the people that I love. It doesn't have to become an excuse to force things. I don't want it that way. I won't let it happen that way. 

I want to believe every words I just said like I applied those I wrote in the first part of 'from decadence to forgetfulness of myself'. But only time will tell. 

 Love, 

NGBH

Note to myself: I'm sorry, little kid. 

From Decadence To Forgetfulness Of Myself

        Here we are, 3 years later. 

    So much has changed: my environment, the people around me and obviously myself. 

Everything I once believed in, vanished within those 3 years. But I thank God that I am still here today, writing, telling, expressing my emotions to you, World. 

From Decadence to forgetfulness: To progressively sink into an ocean of overwhelming emotions, loosing the notion of your inner self. 

My 3 year of decadence to forgetfulness 

   

    

           Summer 2015: Self confidence, Clarity, Passion. 

      Those 3 were in me as I was them. High school had become another tick on my bucket list and I was full of ambition for the future. I had the course I dreamt of, an ideal pedestal to attend an PR school. At the same time, money was no longer an issue to visit my dream country, Japan. I did Japan and Japan did me. I cherished every step I made during the entire time. This summer was synonym of living my best life. When I think about it, it must be the last time I recall being truly happy, free, driven, passionate about life.

      First, let's get personal in order for you to understand my mind.

I am naturally a depressed person. Life is not a long and winding road right ?

I tried to kill myself once, when I was 8. Ever since, I had suicidal thoughts but Music saved me multiples times.

I was 14 when it all came back : the monsters I couldn't live without, under my sleeping bed, wishing I was dead, the voices telling me I was nothing to this world. It was not about the color of my skin anymore. On the contrary, I thought the reason which led me to self-abuse lied in me.

Then, Fashion came into my life. It seemed like a trivial thing to everybody back then – still is today. However, for me, it became my armour, my paradoxical invisibility cloak that gave me the superficial self confidence that I needed to go out, face up the world, tell them how I did not give a fuck about how they saw me. Extravagance wasn't necessarily my go-to, it was just about being me, expressing my emotions through colors and shape. I was worthy being someone because I was someone.

Don't be confused. My selfconfidence went from -10 to 0. I was still not worthy enough. But it got better, day by day, thanks to my friends and family. I got better.

     End of summer 2015 and the beginning of the decadence to forgetfulness.

         Like I previously said, I begun my course with joy, determination, and a goal. However, as time went by, I could see myself drowning into my own emotions, trying to channel them into some mind-bubble - that I know - would eventually explode. I didn't wake up one day and realize that I had lost myself. Worst than that, it was a graduate process, a freefall with an outcome that I had to acknowledge.

       I had lost myself. I HAD LOST MYSELF. 

      Me, who had suffered so much through the years to get to where I was. I had lost myself – again. Consequently, I had stopped being creative. I did try to go on with street style photography during fashion week. Other than that, I had stopped myself from being the person I had put so much effort – and tears - building.

Back to square 1. No. It was not even square 1. Do you know why ?

When you are at square 1, it means you are conscious about having to restart what has been debunked. You are ready to give yourself another chance to pour your heart into the same mess because you know it's worth it. That's what it means to be back at square 1. I wasn't even there. I had lost faith in my decisions, my guts and me. 

The worst part of this is when I though I had a mental block. At that time, the course that I had chosen was time consuming or life consuming - the meaning might be the same after all. I had to work – a lot. At the beginning, I thought my efforts would pay off because I had a precise goal. Unfortunately, I lost the latter. My goal was not that PR school no more. My goal was... none and still I had to work. I just couldn't stop by changing my academic path because it was synonym of giving up for me. So I was stuck into that routine of puting my mind into something I couldn't care less about - stuck from doing something creative, writing, singing, exploring the ideas that I had since high school. 

Here we were again, monsters under my sleeping bed, intrusive voices in my head. Not for too long, fortunately, because I was so much stronger than before. I just couldn't leave it, leave you, World. So I searched, I looked everywhere, to find... myself. 

        Damn, it was long! It was a long journey filled with heartbreaks, obstacles and tears. The answer was just in front of me - or should I say - inside of me.

I realized that looking for myself meant looking for love, self love. I was Love and Love was me. No man could make me feel more complete than I already was. Yes, believe me or not, when you begin your quest of love, you always looking for someone that can fill you up. 

Self love, mistakenly, seems like a hotchpotch in which you could find your reason to justify your selfishness with.

Yes, self love is putting yourself first BUT in any toxic relationship that you could get yourself in. We tend to forget that toxic relationship is sometimes a fight with ourselves.  After understanding that I could be toxic to myself in an extend that I wouldn't be able to take rational and healthy decisions for myself, my self confidence and love went from 0 to 5*.

Again, don't be confused, 2 years was the amount of time I needed to acknowledge this truth. 

     This year has tested my resilience – a test that I have relatively passed. 

And yet, I'm here, 4 am, writing about my journey of forgetting myself through the process of what we like to call 'life'.

I haven't wrote a piece since 2015 and I can't promise there will be consistency** from now on, but I can surely say: my forgetfulness is over. I am not naively saying I won't be sad or depressed. Nonetheless, I know myself like a private open book and that is specifically why, I can stop it.

I have this power because God or Love – call it however you please – gave it to me. It lies within me. Within all of you, World. Corny or not, if you don't have the power, you have the light in you, to start again, until death comes for you. Until then, make sure to love yourself and everybody that matters to you. 

Love, 

NGBH

Note*: On a scale of 0 to 10, some days it's 10 and some days it's near 0. You have to be up to this everyday challenge ! (because I am bitch)

Note **: I am already working on a new post focusing on 5 brands which, I consider, are world changing. (No it's not the KKW beauty brand sorry gurls) 

An Ode To Yamamoto

    What is an Ode ? I first heard that singular word when I was a little girl. At that young age, I could not fully grasp the meaning of this word and its power. However, a week ago, in London, I recognized the essence of this word at an exhibition for the designer, Yohji Yamamoto.

    Situated in the creative neighbourhood of Hackney, between a store named "The Church of God" and a cozy cafe, Live Archives has its unique soul. This gallery is a cultural philanthropic project which has the aim of reviving the collections of famous contemporary designers and unknown talented as well. During one week that unfortunately ends tomorrow, the spellbinder Yohji Yamamoto, has the place of honour. Live Archives went back in 1983, the early beginning of Yohji Yamomoto's career, to 2005. To contextualize, since the first show he gave in Paris in 1981, the designer has always been considered as a unique creative, giving a new momentum to fashion and rewriting the traditions.

   The essential point of this exhibition is that you can try Yamamoto's work in order to fully absorb what he meant by creating those pieces. You might want to try everything on but it is fine because that is purpose: "viewers are engaged as wearers and consumers, realizing Yamamoto's vision of a living, sensory, and emotional association with garments". Those words are Jeffrey Horsley's, the exhibition-maker who will guide you, and might tempt you to try things that you would not. I have to say that I was at first, a bit afraid of wearing those creations: indeed, the fascination that I had for them was overwhelming. Nonetheless, the white and grey coat that you can see below, was the only thing that I tried on, and my favourite piece as well. It was in the image of the uniqueness' designer for its reversible side, and oversized looks.  By presenting those rare pieces of work, Live Archives is giving you the chance to understand the impenetrable, Yohji Yamamoto's world.

    Ode: 1. A lyrics poem typically of elaborate or irregular metrical form and expressive of exalted or enthusiastic emotion.
        2. A poem glorifying or praising somebody.

You have until tomorrow !!

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NGBH