So much has changed: my environment, the people around me and obviously myself.
Everything I once believed in, vanished within those 3 years. But I thank God that I am still here today, writing, telling, expressing my emotions to you, World.
From Decadence to forgetfulness: To progressively sink into an ocean of overwhelming emotions, loosing the notion of your inner self.
My 3 year of decadence to forgetfulness
Summer 2015: Self confidence, Clarity, Passion.
Those
3 were in me as I was them. High school had become another tick on my
bucket list and I was full of ambition for the future. I had the
course I dreamt of, an ideal pedestal to attend an PR school. At the
same time, money was no longer an issue to visit my dream
country, Japan. I did Japan and Japan did me. I cherished every step
I made during the entire time. This summer was synonym of
living my best life. When I think about it, it must be the last time I
recall being truly happy, free, driven, passionate about life.
First,
let's get personal in order for you to understand my mind.
I am
naturally a depressed person. Life is not a long and winding road
right ?
I
tried to kill myself once, when I was 8. Ever since, I had suicidal
thoughts but Music saved me multiples times.
I was
14 when it all came back : the monsters I couldn't live without,
under my sleeping bed, wishing I was dead, the voices telling me I
was nothing to this world. It
was not about the color of my skin anymore. On the contrary, I thought the reason which led me to
self-abuse lied in me.
Then, Fashion came into my life. It seemed like a trivial thing to everybody
back then – still is today. However, for me, it became my armour,
my paradoxical invisibility cloak that gave me the superficial self confidence that I needed to
go out, face up the world, tell them how I did not give a fuck about
how they saw me. Extravagance wasn't necessarily my go-to, it was
just about being me, expressing my emotions through colors and shape.
I was worthy being someone because I was someone.
Don't
be confused. My selfconfidence went from -10 to 0. I was still not
worthy enough. But it got better, day
by day, thanks to my friends and family. I got better.
End of summer 2015 and the beginning of the decadence to forgetfulness.
Like
I previously said, I begun my course with joy, determination, and a
goal. However, as time went by, I could see myself drowning into my
own emotions, trying to channel them into some mind-bubble - that I
know - would eventually explode. I
didn't wake up one day and realize that I had lost myself. Worst than
that, it was a graduate process, a freefall with an outcome that I
had to acknowledge.
I
had lost myself. I HAD LOST MYSELF.
Me, who had suffered so much
through the years to get to where I was. I had lost myself – again. Consequently,
I had stopped being creative. I did try to go on with street
style photography during fashion week. Other than that, I had stopped
myself from being the person I had put so much effort – and tears -
building.
Back
to square 1. No. It was not even square 1. Do you know why ?
When
you are at square 1, it means you are conscious about having to
restart what has been debunked. You are ready to give yourself
another chance to pour your heart into the same mess because you know
it's worth it. That's what it means to be back at square 1. I wasn't even there. I had lost faith in my decisions, my guts and me.
The
worst part of this is when I though I had a mental block. At that time,
the course that I had chosen was time consuming or life consuming - the meaning might be the same after all. I had to work – a lot. At
the beginning, I thought my efforts would pay off because I had a precise goal. Unfortunately, I lost the latter. My goal was not that PR school no
more. My goal was... none and still I had to work. I just
couldn't stop by changing my academic path because it was
synonym of giving up for me. So I was stuck into that routine of
puting my mind into something I couldn't care less about - stuck from doing
something creative, writing, singing, exploring the ideas that I had
since high school.
Here
we were again, monsters under my sleeping bed, intrusive voices in my
head. Not
for too long, fortunately, because I was so much stronger than
before. I just couldn't leave it, leave you, World. So I searched, I looked everywhere,
to find... myself.
Damn, it was long! It was a long journey filled with
heartbreaks, obstacles and tears. The answer was just in front of me - or
should I say - inside of me.
I realized that looking for myself meant looking for love, self
love. I was Love and Love was me. No man could make me feel more
complete than I already was. Yes, believe me or not, when you begin your quest of love, you always looking for someone that can fill you up.
Self
love, mistakenly, seems like a hotchpotch in which you could find your reason to justify
your selfishness with.
Yes,
self love is putting yourself first BUT in any toxic relationship
that you could get yourself in. We tend to forget that toxic
relationship is sometimes a fight with ourselves. After understanding that I could be toxic to myself in an extend that I
wouldn't be able to take rational and healthy decisions for myself,
my self confidence and love went from 0 to 5*.
Again,
don't be confused, 2 years was the amount of time I needed to acknowledge this truth.
This
year has tested my resilience – a test that I have relatively passed.
And
yet, I'm here, 4 am, writing about my journey of forgetting myself through the process of what we like to call 'life'.
I haven't wrote a piece since 2015 and I can't promise there will be consistency** from now on, but I
can surely say: my forgetfulness is over. I
am not naively saying I won't be sad or depressed. Nonetheless, I know myself like
a private open book and that is specifically why, I can stop it.
I
have this power because God or Love – call it however you please –
gave it to me. It lies within me. Within all of you, World. Corny or not, if you don't have the power, you have the light in you, to start again, until death comes for you. Until then, make sure to love yourself and everybody that matters to you.
Love,
NGBH
Note*: On a scale of 0 to 10, some days it's 10 and some days it's near 0. You have to be up to this everyday challenge ! (because I am bitch)
Note **: I am already working on a new post focusing on 5 brands which, I consider, are world changing. (No it's not the KKW beauty brand sorry gurls)
